My Inspiration

                                       

What is it that makes you happy? What makes you tick and inspires you to do the work that you do. Sure, there can be many motivators in our lives - money, family, etc. - but what makes you want to do what you are doing? 

I don't think a lot of people have this. I have been fortunate enough to have a lot of role models who absolutely love their jobs and are truely happy, but I have also seen a lot of people who don't like what they do. People who are absolutely miserable, or just generally aren't happy.

A co-worker at my weekend job told me I am always happy. He said this with a chuckle, as if it was weird that I was always happy. I hadn't really noticed it about myself, but I think it is completely true these days. I really am always happy - even when things happen that are annoying or are stressful - I absolutely cannot be discouraged. So I started to ask myself why that is, and what has been inspiring me to keep going. Trust me, a 6 month internship with no pay and a weekend job are anything but easy. I am overwhelmed at times, stressed, and constantly looking forward to that MT-BC credential, but I am never not happy. So here's a list, because I have also been reading a lot of buzzfeed lately...

1. My Family

Yes, I keep going to make them proud - that's my motivation. But they are also my inspiration, especially my mom. She is pretty cool and raised me to be pretty cool too (hah). Being a youth minister, she has always been someone who has stuck to her guns and done what she thinks is right. Sure, that has led to some more stressful situations (like moving and finding a new job), but her reasoning for these situations has always been to stand up for what she believes in. She stays at jobs because she likes the people she works with and she makes a difference, and she is the reason that I decided to find a profession not based on a pay check, but on how my work would help others. 

The same goes for my step-dad, but in a different way. I was 5 when he started showing up at our door, and though I was pretty cute (no pictures to follow), I was a handfull and a big change to the bachelor life he was used to. But he immediately thought of me as a daughter (well...maybe not immediately. He may have a different story, but to my little brain it didn't seem like much of a hassle for him). The unconditional love he provided, inspires me to care for my patients unconditionally. Even if they are being bratty and whiney, they are all good kids who need a chance.

2. My Patients

They go through a lot. I mean, a lot. There are strange people (including me) constantly coming in and out of their room, and they literally cannot escape it. About 70% of those people have needles, medicine, and, at best, mediocre news (statistic not proven). Also, if they are under 13 or have siblings under 13, they have been COMPLETELY cut off from their social circle. Even if they are old enough to have visitors, that doesn't get to happen incredibly often. They go through a lot, so I go through a lot to make their day better. I will stop by their room 3 times a day until it's a good time just so they can have a ukulele lesson (did that today - I kept showing up at the same times at doctors).  I have gone as far to tell a patient to kick me, just to make them laugh and motivate them to do that one last leg exercise that they have to do for Physical Therapy. I've been very close to getting punched (also today...), gotten snot on my clothes (gross), and made up some of the worst songs on the spot, just to make a patient's day better, and I wouldn't change anything that I have done. They deserve the little bit that I can give, because they have given way more.

3. Music

I have had a lot of people ask me if I enjoy relaxing with music. This is a valid question, as when music is what you do every day, it can become stressful rather than relaxing. Except, that hasn't been the case for me. Do I go home and sing lullabies to relax? No. There is some music I won't touch with a 10 foot pole after work (Old MacDonald, anyone?). I do enjoy listening to my own music, but really what inspires me to do the work I do is how amazing music is. Sure, it doesn't work for everyone, but I have seen music calm the most anxious patients. I have seen music brighten a teenager's day and motivate another patient to take his first steps on the rehab floor. I have seen music make a toddler so excited that he started yelling like a monster. A literal monster. I actually had to stop singing because it was so funny. Around late adolescence everyone starts making these decisions to catagorize themselves. An athlete, musician, artist, as if you can only participate in that activity if you are truely GOOD. Sure, I wouldn't tell someone who has never touched a piano to major in piano performance, but I watched an 8-year old re-write the lyrics to a Katy Perry song by herself today. Anyone can participate in music if they want to. It is because of this universiality that I continue to offer Music Therapy to as many patients as possible. I have had more teenage boys say no to Music Therapy than I have had say yes (a 4:1 ratio...) - but that won't stop me from trying.

I had a patient go home this week. I actually had 3 patients go home, but I only got to celebrate with one on Monday. This is the monster toddler from earlier. The patient's family are the sweetest people in the world. During their stay I did sessions with mom, dad, and aunt present, and even one individual session with his older sister (she requested that my supervisor and I stop singing...). At the end of my day on Monday, my supervisor stopped me and told me that his dad spoke to her in the hallway. He told her to pass a message to me - that if I am ever down or get discouraged, to just remember all of the joy I am bringing to these kiddos, because it is so important.

So yeah, I am happy all the time. Nothing has changed in my life, I still have dissappointments (I just have no friends nearby now). But, I am happier, because I am doing something that makes me so. Find the thing that makes you happy and do it - you will feel so much better.

Busy Busy Bee

                       

I have had a couple intense weeks since posting here. The session load has grown, so I guess I'm not really in the orientation period anymore. My supervisor's husband has been sick, so she had to take a couple days off last week to take care of her son. I missed her, because she is pretty cool, but I got an amazing opportunity those two days to be completely independent. I did an assessment all by myself, co-treated with Physical Therapy all by myself, and led a few other sessions and parent interactions all by myself. I learned a lot during that time. 

The first is that I should be a lot more confident every day. The week before this last week I felt like I was behind because I was freezing up during sessions and hesitant. But during these sessions, especially when co-treating with Physical Therapy, I didn't have my supervisor's quick thinking to save me. I found out that I am pretty good at thinking on my feet. This is where the 7 month break that I took between school and internship has become some what of a curse - but I think I am getting past it.

The second thing I learned is time management. When you're with your supervisor, she decides whether or not we have enough time for another client or what time is good to go up to the unit. I didn't really think about these details before, but I had to when I was by myself. I almost got myself into a sticky situation when I had 30 minutes before a module that I had to go to. A typical session with a 3 year old is 30 minutes, so I went to see one of my girls who is super fun, but a challange to impress at times. I didn't take into account time to get ready (she is in isolation) and time to clean. LUCKILY, she was taken to x-ray after 20 minutes, so the timing worked perfectly, but it made me realize everything that I need to think about during the day.

Aside from my independent week (my supervisor will be gone this Friday again!), I have also had a very busy and trying couple of weeks. I had a paper to write and started a two month long webinar. On Sunday my car wouldn't open after work (darn cold). On Monday I found out one of my kiddos was moved from the Oncology Unit to the PICU. And on Saturday I had the opportunity to provide music with my internship partner for a Donate Life ceremony which honors the families of organ donors at CMH in the past year. Needless to say, it has been emotional.

During the End of Life module this past week, we talked about self care. My professors at UE always stressed self care and making sure we use music for ourselves so that we can be 100% for our clients, but this week I took the concept more seriously than ever before. I have been in some emotional situations during practicum at school (uhm, hello, hospice), but being emmersed in a children's hospital 40+ hours a week is a whole different ball park.

Our module leader gave us little art journals and gel pens and taught us one way to journal through art. We were to write an inspirational word in bubble letters, leave the word white, but fill the rest of the page with small patterns.

I have also adapted the concept a bit to start this one...

I guess we will see how long art lasts for me. I usually leave visual art for my grandma, step dad, and sister.

I also had the opportunity to visit the Kauffman Center to see an opera this weekend! My friend from school, who is now a graduate student at UMKC, invited me along because she had free tickets. (SIDE NOTE: The building is georgous! The wood was imported from Australia. I want to perform there.) I was surprised at how eager I was to experience classical music again. It was such a presence in my life during school, so much so that it was almost forced on me. Yet, after graduating and leaving a school where classical music was free and readily available, I have missed it. So much that I agreed to go to a baroque opera. A baroque opera by Handel.......arranged by Mozart....not that I could tell the difference. Needless to say - alcohol was involved (another form of self care...right?).

These different forms of self care that I utilized turned my week around completely. By the weekend I felt confident and balanced. Now that I am four weeks into my internship I am starting to feel the emotional effects of working at a children's hospital. Some of the kids that I have followed from the beginning of my internship and the beginning of their admission are now having ups and downs that I am witnessing. While it is important to maintain boundaries, as a human, emotions play a role in everything, especially when a particularly cute kiddo has a bad week. 

The important thing about self care is to always keep it fresh. Maybe what helped you process an emotional week at work won't help you process a rough week at home. Try crafting. If that stresses you out (welcome to my life), try journaling. Or listening to music. Or calling mom. Just make sure you take care of yourself so that you can take care of others.