My Inspiration

                                       

What is it that makes you happy? What makes you tick and inspires you to do the work that you do. Sure, there can be many motivators in our lives - money, family, etc. - but what makes you want to do what you are doing? 

I don't think a lot of people have this. I have been fortunate enough to have a lot of role models who absolutely love their jobs and are truely happy, but I have also seen a lot of people who don't like what they do. People who are absolutely miserable, or just generally aren't happy.

A co-worker at my weekend job told me I am always happy. He said this with a chuckle, as if it was weird that I was always happy. I hadn't really noticed it about myself, but I think it is completely true these days. I really am always happy - even when things happen that are annoying or are stressful - I absolutely cannot be discouraged. So I started to ask myself why that is, and what has been inspiring me to keep going. Trust me, a 6 month internship with no pay and a weekend job are anything but easy. I am overwhelmed at times, stressed, and constantly looking forward to that MT-BC credential, but I am never not happy. So here's a list, because I have also been reading a lot of buzzfeed lately...

1. My Family

Yes, I keep going to make them proud - that's my motivation. But they are also my inspiration, especially my mom. She is pretty cool and raised me to be pretty cool too (hah). Being a youth minister, she has always been someone who has stuck to her guns and done what she thinks is right. Sure, that has led to some more stressful situations (like moving and finding a new job), but her reasoning for these situations has always been to stand up for what she believes in. She stays at jobs because she likes the people she works with and she makes a difference, and she is the reason that I decided to find a profession not based on a pay check, but on how my work would help others. 

The same goes for my step-dad, but in a different way. I was 5 when he started showing up at our door, and though I was pretty cute (no pictures to follow), I was a handfull and a big change to the bachelor life he was used to. But he immediately thought of me as a daughter (well...maybe not immediately. He may have a different story, but to my little brain it didn't seem like much of a hassle for him). The unconditional love he provided, inspires me to care for my patients unconditionally. Even if they are being bratty and whiney, they are all good kids who need a chance.

2. My Patients

They go through a lot. I mean, a lot. There are strange people (including me) constantly coming in and out of their room, and they literally cannot escape it. About 70% of those people have needles, medicine, and, at best, mediocre news (statistic not proven). Also, if they are under 13 or have siblings under 13, they have been COMPLETELY cut off from their social circle. Even if they are old enough to have visitors, that doesn't get to happen incredibly often. They go through a lot, so I go through a lot to make their day better. I will stop by their room 3 times a day until it's a good time just so they can have a ukulele lesson (did that today - I kept showing up at the same times at doctors).  I have gone as far to tell a patient to kick me, just to make them laugh and motivate them to do that one last leg exercise that they have to do for Physical Therapy. I've been very close to getting punched (also today...), gotten snot on my clothes (gross), and made up some of the worst songs on the spot, just to make a patient's day better, and I wouldn't change anything that I have done. They deserve the little bit that I can give, because they have given way more.

3. Music

I have had a lot of people ask me if I enjoy relaxing with music. This is a valid question, as when music is what you do every day, it can become stressful rather than relaxing. Except, that hasn't been the case for me. Do I go home and sing lullabies to relax? No. There is some music I won't touch with a 10 foot pole after work (Old MacDonald, anyone?). I do enjoy listening to my own music, but really what inspires me to do the work I do is how amazing music is. Sure, it doesn't work for everyone, but I have seen music calm the most anxious patients. I have seen music brighten a teenager's day and motivate another patient to take his first steps on the rehab floor. I have seen music make a toddler so excited that he started yelling like a monster. A literal monster. I actually had to stop singing because it was so funny. Around late adolescence everyone starts making these decisions to catagorize themselves. An athlete, musician, artist, as if you can only participate in that activity if you are truely GOOD. Sure, I wouldn't tell someone who has never touched a piano to major in piano performance, but I watched an 8-year old re-write the lyrics to a Katy Perry song by herself today. Anyone can participate in music if they want to. It is because of this universiality that I continue to offer Music Therapy to as many patients as possible. I have had more teenage boys say no to Music Therapy than I have had say yes (a 4:1 ratio...) - but that won't stop me from trying.

I had a patient go home this week. I actually had 3 patients go home, but I only got to celebrate with one on Monday. This is the monster toddler from earlier. The patient's family are the sweetest people in the world. During their stay I did sessions with mom, dad, and aunt present, and even one individual session with his older sister (she requested that my supervisor and I stop singing...). At the end of my day on Monday, my supervisor stopped me and told me that his dad spoke to her in the hallway. He told her to pass a message to me - that if I am ever down or get discouraged, to just remember all of the joy I am bringing to these kiddos, because it is so important.

So yeah, I am happy all the time. Nothing has changed in my life, I still have dissappointments (I just have no friends nearby now). But, I am happier, because I am doing something that makes me so. Find the thing that makes you happy and do it - you will feel so much better.

Busy Busy Bee

                       

I have had a couple intense weeks since posting here. The session load has grown, so I guess I'm not really in the orientation period anymore. My supervisor's husband has been sick, so she had to take a couple days off last week to take care of her son. I missed her, because she is pretty cool, but I got an amazing opportunity those two days to be completely independent. I did an assessment all by myself, co-treated with Physical Therapy all by myself, and led a few other sessions and parent interactions all by myself. I learned a lot during that time. 

The first is that I should be a lot more confident every day. The week before this last week I felt like I was behind because I was freezing up during sessions and hesitant. But during these sessions, especially when co-treating with Physical Therapy, I didn't have my supervisor's quick thinking to save me. I found out that I am pretty good at thinking on my feet. This is where the 7 month break that I took between school and internship has become some what of a curse - but I think I am getting past it.

The second thing I learned is time management. When you're with your supervisor, she decides whether or not we have enough time for another client or what time is good to go up to the unit. I didn't really think about these details before, but I had to when I was by myself. I almost got myself into a sticky situation when I had 30 minutes before a module that I had to go to. A typical session with a 3 year old is 30 minutes, so I went to see one of my girls who is super fun, but a challange to impress at times. I didn't take into account time to get ready (she is in isolation) and time to clean. LUCKILY, she was taken to x-ray after 20 minutes, so the timing worked perfectly, but it made me realize everything that I need to think about during the day.

Aside from my independent week (my supervisor will be gone this Friday again!), I have also had a very busy and trying couple of weeks. I had a paper to write and started a two month long webinar. On Sunday my car wouldn't open after work (darn cold). On Monday I found out one of my kiddos was moved from the Oncology Unit to the PICU. And on Saturday I had the opportunity to provide music with my internship partner for a Donate Life ceremony which honors the families of organ donors at CMH in the past year. Needless to say, it has been emotional.

During the End of Life module this past week, we talked about self care. My professors at UE always stressed self care and making sure we use music for ourselves so that we can be 100% for our clients, but this week I took the concept more seriously than ever before. I have been in some emotional situations during practicum at school (uhm, hello, hospice), but being emmersed in a children's hospital 40+ hours a week is a whole different ball park.

Our module leader gave us little art journals and gel pens and taught us one way to journal through art. We were to write an inspirational word in bubble letters, leave the word white, but fill the rest of the page with small patterns.

I have also adapted the concept a bit to start this one...

I guess we will see how long art lasts for me. I usually leave visual art for my grandma, step dad, and sister.

I also had the opportunity to visit the Kauffman Center to see an opera this weekend! My friend from school, who is now a graduate student at UMKC, invited me along because she had free tickets. (SIDE NOTE: The building is georgous! The wood was imported from Australia. I want to perform there.) I was surprised at how eager I was to experience classical music again. It was such a presence in my life during school, so much so that it was almost forced on me. Yet, after graduating and leaving a school where classical music was free and readily available, I have missed it. So much that I agreed to go to a baroque opera. A baroque opera by Handel.......arranged by Mozart....not that I could tell the difference. Needless to say - alcohol was involved (another form of self care...right?).

These different forms of self care that I utilized turned my week around completely. By the weekend I felt confident and balanced. Now that I am four weeks into my internship I am starting to feel the emotional effects of working at a children's hospital. Some of the kids that I have followed from the beginning of my internship and the beginning of their admission are now having ups and downs that I am witnessing. While it is important to maintain boundaries, as a human, emotions play a role in everything, especially when a particularly cute kiddo has a bad week. 

The important thing about self care is to always keep it fresh. Maybe what helped you process an emotional week at work won't help you process a rough week at home. Try crafting. If that stresses you out (welcome to my life), try journaling. Or listening to music. Or calling mom. Just make sure you take care of yourself so that you can take care of others.

Some Ramblings To Begin With

                                                

I feel like Cookie Monster getting a treat every day that I walk into my internship. That's really sappy and annoyingly happy of me to say, but seriously, Children's Mercy Hospital is a wonderful place and I get to witness so much music therapy!! I meant to write this post over the weekend. In fact, I did write this post over the weekend, and then my app crashed, so it never got posted. So here is round two.

Last week was exciting, busy, and super overwhelming. (SIDE NOTE: I just pulled an unwrapped hershey kiss out of a bag of hershey kisses. Mama didn't raise no fool, I remember my Halloween safety precautions. I threw it out and took 4 instead of the one...)

Monday (1/12) began with introductions and a quick tour of the hospital on the way to the music therapy office. We did not have to come in until 10, so it was pretty late in the morning. We ended up talking about food and where to get coffee for about an hour. These people are my kind of people. The rest of the afternoon was a lot of orientation. 

On Tuesday I started shadowing/observing Liesel who is my supervisor for the internship. Her service is my first round of 4, and she covers the PICU, NICU, Hematology/Oncology, and parts of general surgery. In the past week I have seen multiple patients in each unit, which is awesome! I don't know what was most interesting to me because it was all new, but my heart has always had a special place in the NICU. 

The rest of the week was pretty much similar to Tuesday. I assisted leading on Friday, though the patient was super tired so the session was tweaked a bit. I get to continue with him tomorrow. We also did a self-guided tour on Wednesday. It took us 1.5 hours and was my work out for the week....maybe even month. This week, child life interns started, so we are attending modules with them. Today we talked about coping and Thursday we will talk about development and end of life. 

Aside from CMH things, I got to explore a little with my friend Kim from high school. She moved here about 2 years ago, so she and I visited the Oak Park Mall, the downtown library, and the Plaza! It was so much fun to get out and be with a friend, which I don't have a lot of. I also started my weekend job on Sunday, which makes my schedule super full. They have been really nice about giving me hours but not overwhelming me. I definitely think having this job is a necessity for money, but my internship is my number one priority. 

My internship is also the number one reason that I am exhausted. This post is not very insightful...I am too tired for deep thoughts. Good Night. 

I Don't Know About You, But I'm Feeling.

22. You saw that coming. I am 22, so of course I am feeling 22. But I think T-Swift did 22 differently, or I'm not doing 22 right. I never realized just how weird your early twenties are until I moved away. I still feel like a kid, as if I should be doing everything with my parents, but I am not one. 

                         

This past week I have met some amazing people, explored the area, and joined the choir at the church that my "host family" attends. (SIDE NOTE: I will refer to them as my host family because I can't think of a better term. And, I am so confused by Kansas/Missouri life that I might as well be a foreign exchange student). The choir I joined is wonderful and everyone is so nice. The director is putting me on the cantoring schedule and is hoping to get me in for a few weddings while I'm here. That is nice for 2 reasons; one, I love singing at church and weddings, and two, I need money (care packages accepted). But as I am meeting all of these new people, I find myself answering the same questions;

1. What's your name? (Elisabeth, yours?)

2. Did you go to church here before? (No, I actually just moved here a week ago!)

3. Why did you move here? (I am doing an internship at Children's Mercy Hospital)

4. Oh, what is your degree in? (Oh I majored in Music Therapy)

5. Is this a paid internship? (...no.....)

Some way or another, those who are most interested get on the topic on what Music Therapy is (time to get my advocating hat on!), and eventually ask about why I have to do an internship, certifications, and my inevitable degree. It is in those moments that I remember this small, very very sad fact - Even though I walked in May, I do not have any type of Bachelors degree yet. 

I think this is what makes me feel so awkward in my early twenties. I still feel like a student, which I still take full advantage of in some ways. For example, the KC Symphony has student season passes for a very reasonable price - so yes, KC Symphony, I AM a student. But no, University of Evansville music department faculty, I WILL NOT do a jury or take finals this year. Sorry. The funny thing is, I seem to remember refering to this transition in my internship interviews. They would ask "what do you think will be your weaknesses at the start of internship?" And I would answer "Transitioning from student to intern may be difficult, because I am used to having more supervision and less independence in school" (or something like that - underclassmen, take notes). That answer has never been more true, and I haven't even started my internship yet!

Aside from meeting new people in the choir, I also had a chance to get lunch with my internship partner, Holly, on Friday. Holly is coming here from Texas, so I'm sure she is cold all of the time. We got lunch, talked about how we thought the internship would be, and explored around the hospital area (with the main intention being finding our parking lot). I am really happy to have another intern by my side, I could not imagine these 6 months without someone who knows what I am going through.

I also spent some time with my mom's friend Mary and her family. They are hilarious and have told me, repeatedly, that I am invited over ANY time (they said it so much that I believe them). I am also spending time with Dr. Uthe, an old voice teacher from UE, tonight while my host family is at church. So basically, I feel like I have 3 families here in KC, and that is an amazing feeling. 

I am a lot more comfortable here than I was a week ago, and tomorrow I start my internship! I just have one request from everyone reading this - Pray to whatever God you believe in that I wake up on time this week....

I Guess It's Time To Fly

I always told myself that I should start a blog, but something always stopped me. Why? I don't know; insecurities about my writing, nothing to talk about, too lazy, etc. But this week something big happened and I decided it was time.

Two days ago I moved. I didn't just move into college or down the street from my parents. I really moved. Far away from home, on my own, with no clue what I am supposed to do. Well, that's not ENTIRELY true. I am a music therapy student, and on Monday (January 12th) I begin a full time, unpaid, internship at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City. So, I guess I know what I am supposed to do here. But still, moving is daunting. Moving is terrifying, in a way. I am incredibly excited, but at the same time, I am so lost. Lost both literally and figuratively. (I am really bad with directions...)

Because the internship is unpaid, my first and most stressful predicament of this whole experience was somewhere to live. Where does some one who has no income or time for a substantial second job live for only 7 months?! My parents and I struggled with that issue for a while, until we happened upon the most kind and generous people I have ever met. A sweet family who lives not too far outside of the city opened their home to me and I could not be happier! Not only is this a much cheaper option (I didn't have to buy furniture!) but I also feel so supported and safe in such a new environment. While of course, there are always some adjustments (their dog doesnt seem to like me unless they are all around...), I think this arrangement is going to be so helpful to my time here.

I was always told by my professors and supervisors that internship is such a "special" time. Special. As in....? I have thought about it so much that the word doesn't have any meaning. Is it a word? Seriously...look at it again. It just looks weird now.

Back on topic - As I am just beginning my internship/I have not started yet, I am going to take a guess of what "special" means. I think the 6 months in which you are enrolled in an internship is special in a very conflicting way. On one hand, you have 6 whole months to dedicate to learning the ins and outs of Music Therapy with ZERO distractions (*cough* general education courses *cough*). On the other hand, you are essentially in professional limbo. There is no degree with your name on it, no paycheck being thrown your way every few weeks, and yet you are expected to work as much as the next full time professional. Also, your primary care physician expects you to still keep yourself healthy...so there's that.

I don't really know what these 6 months have in store for me. My guess on this special time could be spot on...it could be completely wrong. But I am so ready to find out.